Ok, let me start this article by saying: I don’t think cheating on your partner is a great idea, and I think being deceptive about it is arguably even worse. Having spent years as a private investigator, I’ve seen the devastating effects on victims of infidelity, and there is undeniably a real emotional cost. I am a realist, however, so I consider it important to talk about the subject in an open and frank manner to provide guidance to those personally navigating these difficult issues.
In this article, I will discuss how people first come to suspect their partner is cheating, how private investigators gather proof of cheating, what not to do if you suspect infidelity, and how some people manage to get away with it.
Redefining Infidelity and the Law
Cheating is a highly subjective concept. For some people, a partner who looks at adult content online is considered a cheater, whereas others will forgive a spouse who has admitted to engaging in intimate physical contact with someone else.
Most Western jurisdictions now have no-fault divorce laws in place, meaning adultery is legally irrelevant to the decision to dissolve a marriage. Therefore, if you are in doubt as to whether your partner’s actions constitute cheating, it is a personal decision to make based on your own values and beliefs. You alone get to decide how to respond to the infidelity.
The Anatomy of Suspicion
A suspicion about a partner or spouse can arise from a hundred different sources. It could be an unexplained absence, a failure to answer calls at certain times, a guilty look when questioned, a sudden loss of interest in intimacy at home, a new wardrobe, a new gym routine, or lipstick on a collar. It could be unexplained trips in a vehicle which rack up kilometers on the odometer, or glimpsing a questionable message on their phone.
Unfortunately, these indicators are rarely conclusive because their meaning is open to interpretation. A cheater will almost always have a plausible explanation for anything that isn’t cold, hard proof, and they may try to gaslight you into believing you’re just being paranoid or jealous. So, how do you uncover the truth?
The reason the clues mentioned above are unreliable is that they don’t tell the full story. Under the old fault-based divorce system of the past when proof of cheating was legally required, evidence was usually gathered through physical surveillance. We use the word “surveillance” in its original sense: physically following the subject of the investigation and documenting his or her activities on camera.
This evidence was used because it was the most convincing and objective. Photographic or video evidence of two people holding hands, acting affectionately, kissing, or entering a hotel room together cannot be denied. In fact, in the vast majority of modern infidelity investigations these days, it is still surveillance evidence that is used to reveal the truth.
Crucial Tip: If you confront your partner before you possess strong evidence, you put yourself at a severe disadvantage—your partner will be much harder to catch in the future because they will be on guard. Also, a malicious partner might use that warning to start hiding marital assets of the relationship or manufacturing evidence against you, which could severely hurt you during a legal separation.
If you form the opinion that your partner is cheating—whether based on a gut feeling or some tangible clues—do not confront them yet. Wait until you have the evidence firmly in hand.
5 Ways People “Get Away” With Cheating
Now, how do people actually manage to “get away” with infidelity? Here are the common ways it happens:
1. They Never Leave a Trace
Some instances of infidelity only occur once or twice. Even if a cheater feels guilty about their behaviour, if there is no permanent change in their daily routine, their partner may never catch on. On the other hand, ongoing infidelity is much harder to hide. Eventually, a partner will pick up on an unconscious behavioural shift, or the victim will stumble across a piece of evidence and become suspicious. If a cheater is highly disciplined—or if it was strictly a one-time mistake—they might get away with it…
2. The Victim Confronts Them Too Early
This is a critical mistake! If you confront a cheating partner without proof, it’s likely you’re going to be met with outright denials. Unless they unexpectedly confess, you will have no way to prove your suspicions, and they will simply get better at hiding their tracks. If you do suspect your partner of infidelity, it is best to discreetly contact a private investigator who can help you learn the truth safely.
3. The Infidelity Takes Place Strictly Online
There are plenty of relationships that exist entirely in the digital sphere. While this might seem strange, investigators hear it so often that it is a documented reality. If a partner is engaged in a strictly online affair, it can be incredibly difficult to capture evidence unless you have lawful access to their device or accounts. In jurisdictions like Australia, it is illegal to hack someone’s phone or intercept private messages, making these cases highly complex.
4. They Spot the Signs of an Investigation
If a partner is sneaky enough to cheat, they may also be paranoid enough to monitor you. It is not uncommon for cheaters to hack their partner’s phone, monitor their bank accounts, or even place a tracker on their car to see if they are being suspected. If you think your partner is monitoring you, use a trusted friend or relative’s phone, a public library computer, or a secure device to contact help. Keep your own phone completely out of earshot when discussing your suspicions.
5. The Victim Hires an Incompetent Private Investigator
Private investigators are like lawyers: there is a massive difference between the good ones and the bad ones. Because a cheater will vanish into the shadows if they spot a tail, you might only get one shot at gathering proof. Don’t waste time and money on a rogue or inexperienced operator. Do your research before hiring anyone, as the industry can be relatively unregulated.
Lyonswood Investigations has conducted infidelity investigations for over 40 years, assisting thousands of people in need of definitive proof and peace of mind.
